| wow |
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| 10:30pm 30/05/2006 |
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music: Finding Myself-Smile Empty Soul
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wow i havent written in this for ages. i guess i've mostly been using my deadjournal.
Me and Dan are no longer together. Things ended but we are still good friends.
I'm now dating Nick. I'm very happy with him. He lets me have my freedom but is still interested in my life. We get along very well. Even though i havent know him for bery long, it seems like i've known him like one of my old friends. We can talk about anything, and i've found that he is one of the very few people that i know i can trust with anything, without being judged. Our relationship is simple. And i like it. Theres no pressure on it what so ever.
Me and my mom are fighting again. She's no longer on her anti-depressants and i can tell. Everyone can. She loses her temper, has no tolerance for my little brothers, adn takes out her anger and depression on everyone else is the house. I'm not sure how much longer i'm going to be able to stand her like this without losing it at her. I'm afraid i'll snap one of these days and tell her what i really think. Life as i know it now, would then change dramatically. She needs her anti-depressants. But she's not taking them. I dont know why she doesnt go to the doctor and get prescribed more. They helped. And for once, our family was actually getting along. And now things are back to how they were, complete and utter hell. well i'm done with this rant. I'm emotionally drained from today. |
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(Honor Hekate) |
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| 01:54pm 09/06/2005 |
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mood:  ecstatic
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DAN'S NOT MOVING ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!! YAYYYYYY! |
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(Honor Hekate) |
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| this is pathetic |
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| 10:16am 01/05/2005 |
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mood:  annoyed music: 12 stones
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ok recently i've come to have the knowledge that a friend from outside of school now knows some of my friends from school and they decided to talk about me when i'm not there and decide if they "approve" Dan or not. ok if your any of these people...if you were going out with someone you really loved but people that your friends with didn't "apporve" of him/her yet theres been so immediate conflicts, they just dont like him/her for whatever reason, would that make you want to end a happy relationship yet when your still friends with both sides?
they say i'm acting different when i'm around him..tell me what i am doing? supposedly i'm acting like a bitch..oh wow reaaaal descriptive. if you have a real problem with the way i act, tell me.like what am i doing thats so different? OH I KNOW...actually being really happy for once in the entire time i've lived here. damn people, get a life and stop talking gossip. And be happy for a friend thats in a healthy relationship for once in her god damned life. would you guys rather have it that i go back with my ex? oh yeah cause we alllllll know how HEALTHY that one was. if you have a reasonable problem with me and dan going out then be my guest and confront me about it instead of telling someone i know but you know but totally seperatly. pahleeze. grow up people. tell me, not someone i know.
Shayne |
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(Honor Hekate) |
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| 01:33pm 30/04/2005 |
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mood:  curious music: Remedy by: Seether
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i keep thinking about if Dan and I will last. I love him so much and he says he loves me. But i dont get why? why would he love me at all? with all the shit he has to deal with along with just being around me? Damon..my parents...they are all things he has to deal with. I dont want him and damon to get into a fight cause i'm afraid he'll eitehr get himslef seriously hurt or even worse killed. And he has a son to worry about and something happens to Dakota or Dan cause of Damon i'm going to blame myself for it. ~sigh~ i guess i'll have to think about that when the time comes. i love him so much. and i hope we last. but what if he moves? he says he'll come back but what if he likes is there and doesn't want to leave? then i'm left here once again with a broken heart. hmm...i wish i could just get a peek into the future so i could atleast prepare for whats to come in my future. but i can't do that and i'm just going to have to roll with the punches and decide what to do when the time comes. i just with i'd even have a clue whats going to happen... |
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(Honor Hekate) |
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| well well well |
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| 10:28pm 12/04/2005 |
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mood:  stressed music: Lady Of Shalott by: Loreena Mckennitt
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wow i havn't updated this one in a really long time. I've been up dating my DeadJournal(if you want to check that one out my user name is lovegirl12 quite often but actually i've been to busy to update either of them very often.
I have a boyfriend now. his name is Dan and the amazing thing is that our relationship is actually going pretty well and its been almost a month.
but theres bad news also....Today i got a call around 5(3 chicago time) and its my friend Sam calling to tell me that one of my best friends Sarah was in the ER for over dosing on some pills. She's doing fine physically now but i'm not so sure emotionally for mentally. i feel so responsible for it. i know i could only do so much but i could have done more then i did. i'm so worried about her and i can't go out there until this summer. ~sigh~ i should have known she'd try something like this. afterall she is an awful lot like me. grr i could have tried harder. damn me. god fucking damnit i'm so pissed at myself right now. oh well...to late to do much now right?
well i'm off to bed. not much sleep and i've been having a really shitty week. fuck, its only tuesday and i'm already sick and tired and ready for PPD meetings. thats what i'm looking forward to this week. thats what is going to keep me going. that is my goal for the moment. oh and Dan's parents are going out of town this weekend and we all know what that means!.
Later,
~Shay |
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(Honor Hekate) |
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| 12:00am 14/03/2005 |
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mood:  sleepy music: Here By Me by: 3 doors down
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a dream of mine that i had last week.
its very wierd that i remember this much. I usually only remember a few here or there and for some reason this one seemed to stick. so here is what happened..
I was living in a house on the countryside of Ireland where not alot of people live. I lived with what i'm assuming now was my husband or signifigant other..i think this because me and him were very affectionate towards eachother. i didn't recognize him though...He was about a 6'2(a foot taller then I) with longish blond hair and really pretty blue-ish eyes. I dont recognize this person. But apparently in my dream i am handfasted to this person. I can tell i'm very in love with this person and we'd been together for about 4 years.He's in my generation..no more then 5 years older then me but not the same age as me. (i can't believe i remember this much) but yeah. But in the dream we live in Ireland. We both are pagan, theres an amazing alter in the back yard. And during the duration of the dream we just are there being with eachother...not alot of other people. a few neighbors and friends. in the dream we have a very laid back kind of life. I work in the town about a half a mile away from our house as a pastry chef and i dont remember what he did. In my dream i never said his name nor did he say it.
what is this dream supposed to mean? or was it just a dream of the want of love from someone and the wish of a peacful life?
~sigh~ i dont know what to make of it.
ok there we go...whats that supposed to mean? its driving me insane.
later
~Shay |
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(1 Witch Honor Hekate) |
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| 08:47pm 12/03/2005 |
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mood: sleepy music: Avenged Sevenfold CD
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oops..wow i havn't updated this in a long time...oh well. i'm trying to keep up with my livejournal and deadjournal at the same time.
well lets see..whats new....well i had saturday rehearsal today...then i hung out with Miko and Roxy..we went and are breakfast...well i guess it'd be brunch but oh well...but we had some pretty good conversations...Miko's kick ass...he's my homie lol ^.^ and Roxy is my kick ass dike friend that is the coolest ever. she has kick ass friends. well her brother is a little druggie...it was hilarious...in the car i was sitting next to him and he was totally high and he's on his cell saying like ''did you know that bother can be like made into other and then there eachother and another and they all have other in it?'' i thought it was funny then it should have been.
but that was fun and i just got home a little bit ago.
the play is going good. i had to get up early for it though today!! come on...9 on a saturday? pfft...mr.baum is on crack. i woke up at like 8:30 and was like SHIIIITT. lol it was great.
well i talked to Cody on the phone twice today..^.^ lol.
well i'm going to update my otehr journal then maybe be on a little while then go to bed. i'm dead ass tired.
later
~Shay |
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(2 Witches Honor Hekate) |
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| anywho... |
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| 10:32pm 04/03/2005 |
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mood:  content music: No Giving Up by: Crossfade
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well today wasn't SO bad. took nap..woke up felt better came online...talk to a few ppl...mom and i went to the mall..got 2 new books..a sweatshirt...and a new cd!! i'm a music junkie!!! ^.^ hopefully thats not a bad thing..oh well..well i have one other journal to update...i'll prolly update again....later
~Shay |
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(Honor Hekate) |
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| LMFAO |
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| 08:46am 03/03/2005 |
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mood:  shocked music: Prison Sex by: Nine Inch Nails
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LOL omg thats too funny....i never said it wasn't true though! ^.-. tee hee
| You scored as Exciting. You are exciting, people want to fuck your brains out and you know it. Whether it's in an airplane or on the back of the bus, sex with you is always exciting.
Exciting | | 94% | Violent | | 94% | Hot | | 94% | Wet | | 75% | Sweet | | 63% | Awkward | | 44% | Soft | | 31% | Shy | | 6% | </td>
What is your sexual style?
created with QuizFarm.com |
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(2 Witches Honor Hekate) |
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| blehhhhhh.. |
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| 08:22pm 02/03/2005 |
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mood:  tired music: Let Me Go by: 3 Doors Down
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Boredom....i'm so bored. My legs are sore from running and doing Paletes and yoga in gym today. But Gym wasn't ALL that bad actaully. When we were doing the yoga my friend Dan is all like this looks like something out of Kama Sutra (sp?)lol and i couldn't stop laughing cause he was right. i swear our gym teacher takes out yoga moves right out of that book. lol oh well..just thought i'd update since i havn't in a while. later
Shay |
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(2 Witches Honor Hekate) |
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| i dont wanna be here anymore.....i'm sick and tired of it.. |
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| 08:41pm 24/02/2005 |
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mood:  crying music: I can't see you tonight by: avenged sevenfold
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i can't stand this overwhelming feeling of lonliness and loss...i'm so depressed. i havn't been able to eat anything since last saturday with out throwing it all back up. i can feel my stomach starting to eat at itself since i havn't eaten anything in almost a week. i'm hungry but whenever i seem to eat it just all comes back up. i can't stop crying. i've been crying myself to sleep almost every night this week. especially last night...my friend sent me a poem he wrote for me when i left...heres the entire e-mail....
"omg i found som poems from wen i was depressed that i wrote and one of them was about u and how u moved and i was really sad this poem made me cry so i put my heart into so please keep this for wenever u wanna remember how much we miss u!
Can't Take the pain but i still love you shayne
god why did you hav to do that to an innocent girl,
Shayne was there for so long but then so short,
she had everything here hanging by a thread,
and you used it for your clothes,
i dont know why you would b so mean to her,
if she didnt move think of the lives u wold hav saved,
i havnt talked to her since,
i havnt touched her since,
i havnt felt ther pain since,
all since you took her across the west,
she has new frends,
and old frends,
but she lost one,
and that was her faith,
and all her friends faith,
that u were ALWAYS there to make things better,
i dont understand y u wold do this,
u took the last piece of the puzzle so u cold put it in.
i must hav been terribly depressed wen i wrote it. i mean i remember but i dont remember my thots.
-U know i lov u and u always hav the biggest place in my heart!"
now i'm crying again...man i miss home so much... ok i gotta get off, i'm crying so hard i can barely type. i'll update later.
Shay |
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(1 Witch Honor Hekate) |
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| V-Day |
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| 08:43pm 16/02/2005 |
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mood:  bleh music: I wont see you tonight by: avenged sevenfold
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I HATE HATE HATE VALENTINES DAY! IT SUCKS ASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!all v-day is, is a reminder to us singles that were alone and have no one...gahh. </3= my heart. i know i'm late about saying this but i really dont care. i can't fucking take everyone i know have a valentine and me not. good thing i've never really liked v-day anyways or i'd realy hate it. and valentines day is an over commercialized holiday that wasn't very good in the first place..grrr....well i'm off to be emo now..
Shay |
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(Honor Hekate) |
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| CAN'T FUCKING TAKE IT ANYMORE |
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| 09:18pm 12/02/2005 |
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mood: Crying music: Another Hole In The Head by: Nickelback
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WELL WHERE DO I START OFF? MY LIFE IN CRUMBLING AS I KNOW IT. I CAN'T STOP CRYING...i'm so depressed. i can't even eat or sleep. i'm worried sick about a friend. i just can't fucking take it...i'm tired of it..SICK AND FUCKING TIRED OF THIS FUCKING BULLSHIT OF A LIFE. DAMNIT!
Shay |
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(Honor Hekate) |
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| not crying |
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| 10:52pm 11/02/2005 |
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mood:  blank music: Time and Time Again by: Papa Roach
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Well the not crying thing didn't go well..i should have known i couldn't stop from crying. i wish i couldn't cry. but i feel a little bit better. it rained all day today and i feel a bit better since i danced in the rain(i know i know completely wierd) but i love the rain. its great. well i gotta go,
Shay |
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(Honor Hekate) |
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| valentines day and puppy =( |
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| 08:47pm 10/02/2005 |
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mood:  crushed music: Scars by: papa roach (best song ever!)
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Ok so valentines day is coming up right? well not for me! 1) i dont like valentines day 2) i dont have anyone to be with anyways 3) me and sumyhr are going to go be loners together and eat ice cream until we can't eat anymore. OOH i'm gunna have fun THIS v-day aren't I!? NOT. gahh i'm soo pissed and depressed...
To make my life ANY better...My mom recieved a phone call from my granfdfather that my dog died cause she was somehow poisened...That was the puppy i got for my b-day when i was 7 and that was my puppy before my mom got married and thati had before my life went to hell and that it was semi-normal and now shes gone! i know it was just a dog but she was more then that to me...shes the only one thats been there for me and that loved my unconditionally unlike everyone else i've ever fucking known. she was MY puppy! and now i'm all reminded of when my grandma died and everythings just coming back all in one big crushing wave..i'm just trying realy hard not to break down and lose my mind again..i'm trying super hard not to cry...i've cried to much in the last few months..no more.
Shay |
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(Honor Hekate) |
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| blahhhh |
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| 09:36pm 07/02/2005 |
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mood: blank music: scars by: papa roach
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soooo boooored.... no one ooonnnn.....blahhhhh again and blaaahhh even more again.(that made no sense but since when do things actaully DO make sense? never so there)
Uhhhhh i can't sleeeeeep..i dont know why, i'm guessing its my insomnia coming back again...i didn't sleep much last night...lets see....went to bed at 2:30 and woke up at 5:30....3 hours of sleep and i had gym today....wonderful.-yawn- i have no idea why i can't sleep.....my doc once told me that my insomnia was just a chemical embalance just like depression is...also he said its from all the stress which could explain why its coming back now... I'm so stressed, i'm anxious to go to Chicago and thats not for what...5 months and the play which is about 2 months from first showing but i have to learn all my lines and then i have to bring my math grade up sicne teh stupid bitch teacher wouldn't let me take my finals cause i was absent the day we did and so i just got a zero on that. Oh well good thing i took that course last year now isn't it.
English was funny as hell today, the teacher couldn't keep the class under control, i'm surprised he didn't call security on some of them. hahahhaha that reminds me of friday when these three chicks got into a fight and they all ended up getting arrested since 2 of them had "weapons" or somethign like that. wow do i go to a bad school or what. But i rather go here then change schools and make new friends all over again.
oh something random on my mind....Alex is starting to talk to me again...totally random....after him and i broke up we just kinda went our own ways since before we were going out we didn't know eachother that well and we weren't even friends before we went out so i guess i just figured that we were just gunna go our seperate ways. And then this week he starts talking to me again. oh well, me and him are cool agian so i guess thats a good thing.
Well i gotta go but i'll probably post again since theres a song that i want to post the lyrics to but i dont want to right now, later
Shay |
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(Honor Hekate) |
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| -sigh- |
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| 08:36pm 06/02/2005 |
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mood:  rejected music: concrete angel by: martina mcbride
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Well....
we think mahalia is going to be fine, they did a test and nothing shows but it could be to early to tell if theres really anything wrong. and Sunyhrs leaving this time next year and Ashley(she moved here not long ago, her b-day was yesterday and we had a great time, we all went ice skating and stuff. and then me and sumyhr spent the night at her house and her family's great. her mom is hilarious) is moving schools at the beginning of next year....heh this time next year i'll have no one at me school. Sumyhrs moving, Ashley is moving schools and mahalia will still be going to the other school. damnit damn damn damnity damn. what is wrong with me? either people have been chosing not to be my friend(2 so far) and now people are leaving...gahh...oh well. such is the life i'll live, lead and die in.
But thats ok. Its not so bad being alone, atleast i wont be able to hurt anyone if i have no one to hurt...
other then those events i dont think anything else is much new. Pagan Pride Day comittee meeting on the 13th but thats not until next sunday....The play is doing ok, we got our parts but we havn't gotten the entire script yet. Me and Chase are playing a married couple but atleast i know him and its not some random person i dont know and i wont have to sorry about getting close to them in an intimate way since chase doesn't float that boat. ahh that reminds me of the jack and the beanstock play i did in 7th grade. ahhh but i'm not gunna go there.
whoa this song i'm listening to reminds me of something..heres the lyrics to one part of it,
She walks to school with the lunch she packed
Nobody knows what she's holdin' back
Wearin' the same dress she wore yesterday
She hides the bruises with linen and lace, oh
The teacher wonders but she doesn't ask
It's hard to see the pain behind the mask
Bearing the burden of a secret storm
Sometimes she wishes she was never born
oh now theres another song that reminds me of something, what the hell is with the radio tonight? are they trying to make me all depressed and pissed?
I know my mother loves me
But does my father even care
If I'm sad or angry
You were never ever there
When I needed you
I hope you regret what you did
I think I know the truth
Your father did the same to you
Did the same to you
I'm crying day and night now
What is wrong with me
I cannot fight now
I feel like a weak link
Push it back inside
A weak link
thats just to close to home there..i can relate to those lyrics to close for comfort..both of them...
well i gotta go, i'l probably update again before the nights over the way my parents are at eachothers throats right now so i'll probably end up on the computer all night so i dont have to fucking listen to argue in the next damn room all night...i soo hope i get the hell outta here when i'm 17...uhhh atleast 2 more years of this bullshit...
Shay |
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(Honor Hekate) |
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| oh my gods... |
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| 05:45pm 03/02/2005 |
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mood:  scared
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Well life just keeps making things worse and worse doesn't it? i'm freaking out right now....
Mahalia, one of the only thing close to a true friend that i've made since i moved here, might have a brain tumor and shes in the ER...She hasnt been to school all week from really bad migrains and they just thought they were bad migrains but then her doctor called and told her to come in cause they think its something more...i just found out on my way home since one of Mahalias friends from school lives by my house and i said hi to her and she told me cause she tried calling Mahalia during lunch and her mom told her..and she doesn't know what hospital shes at so i can't go and see her...i'm totally freaking out..i can't stop crying..i'm so worried. Mahalias is one of the best people i've i've ever met and she understands me better then Sumyhr does..
Oh oh oh and that reminds me...to make things even better, Sumyhr might be moving...like soon...we thought that she had until next year but her dad e-mailed them from the ship and said start packing were moving to Georgia..WTF georgia????oh come ooonnnn....i'm losing everybody...i can't take it anymore!! i've lost most of friends from home and now the few friends i have made while i've been here are going one by one....
shay |
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(8 Witches Honor Hekate) |
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| Soo.. |
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| 08:15pm 01/02/2005 |
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mood:  drained music: Let Me Go by: 3 Doors Down
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Wel today didn't go to bad as others. Woke up around 5:45, brushed my teeth, got dressed, did my hair and makeup and then came out to the computer around 6:15 and got online to check my e-mail...sarah was online cause they had a late arrival and her and Caitlin are in a huge fight..again. You'd think for how much they've fought in the last 3 years they'd just say fine were not going to be friends anymore but nooo they just make they're lives miserable by fighting like non-stop.
But anyways, school wasn't so bad except i have Math and then Physics right after on another...usually i have homeroom enbetween but not today since its a new semester. but oh well, physics was funny as hell since we had a sub and we got to do anything we wanted....the sub called securiety on the class since we were all out of control....the guy started yelling at us and some kid in the first row threw something at him...it was funy but i'd never desrespect a teacher like that.lol but whatever, it was really funny. and then japanese was fun as always except for Matt hitting on me, i mean i like him as a friend but thats it i think. but hes cool anyways.
came home and Alex and Liz came over to see Isis since they hadn't been over since before we got her and they were over from after school which was about 2:30 until about 4:45 and then they had to leave since they were getting picked up at the school at 5 and then george dropped me and my mom off downtown to do some shopping and he took the boys out...i fond really cool pants and a kick ass t-shirt thats black and has a red skull and cross bones on t..hell yeah. rock/goth all the way! but anywho...
yeah so that was today, kinda boring but it didn't go to bad. tomorrow i think should go okay since we have an early dismissal(sp) and we get out at 11 but we have alllllll classes....crap. that sucks..shit i havn't done my english homework yet.....fuck! well i guess i better go to and do that, i'm super tired anyways.
Later Day and Blessings to the non existant readers,
Shay |
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(Honor Hekate) |
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| wierd |
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| 06:33pm 31/01/2005 |
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mood:  gloomy music: I Won't See You Tonight Part 1 by: Avenged Sevenfold
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It was so wierd..i logged onto my other screen name to talk to someone that knew that sn but there were a couple of people i didn't want to talk to on my regular one that didn't know my newer one. So i log on and stuff and i'm talking to that person and then the friend i've recently lost logs on and i just freak out and sign off. i completely forgot to delete that persons sn on that buddy list. so i went back and deleted it and it was over. whew. i dont know why i freaked but i did.
i mean i totally understand why me and that person aren't friends anymore. I would have probably done the same thing. we had alot in common which is wierd for me but thats over and moving on. i hope that person doesn't think i hate them for deciding not to want to be friends anymore but i dont. oh well
i realized that the older you get, its a bigger pain in the ass to make new friends. when i left chicago i had great friends and a great boyfriend and now i'm with neither. i have a couple of friends here and there that i go to the movies and stuff with and no boyfriend cause well me and keegan just weren't working. its starting to get really lonely. i miss having friends. but theres nothing i can really do about that is there. no.
Later,
Shay |
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(Honor Hekate) |
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lonegirl1989's journal